Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
