I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
