Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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