Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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