When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
