...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
