i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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