I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
