Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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