I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
