Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
