It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
