She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
