your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
