apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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