He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
