there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila