omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)