First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself