You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
