dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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