dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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