I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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