I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You've changed since you got that strap on
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
