i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
