I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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