goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
