i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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