so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
