3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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