census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
