at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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