Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
