i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
