You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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