My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
