im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
