Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
