dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
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I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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