I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
