Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
