i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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