I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
