i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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