A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
