Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
