I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
