im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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