I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The Olympian is in my bed
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
