omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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