he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
