help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I cockslap morals
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Randomize
