I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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