I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
