I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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