Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We had sex on a dog bed..
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