There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Randomize
