haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
