dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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